


midway

by cafulur



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Eventual Romance, M/M, Pining, a lot of figuring out & self discovery!!, but not before some prolonged angst n confusion lmao, lots n lots of pining, some good ol' angst, they go to college about halfway through so !! here's a college taggg
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-25
Updated: 2018-03-25
Packaged: 2019-04-08 04:28:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14097213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cafulur/pseuds/cafulur
Summary: It’s as if there is a thin glass wall between him and Michael, between every movement. A hand touch is nothing short of a hand touch, but nothing beyond it, thanks to the glass layer between their skin. But Jeremy likes to imagine it’s not glass. Wants to think it’s saran wrap, and he can just peel it off and dive in. But then the words ‘only friend’ rattle around his brain and thicken the crystals, and suddenly so close is instead so far and his words are muffled by glass, and he fears he'll always be stuck midway.





	midway

**Author's Note:**

> hoo wee hey guys !!! it's been a while since i've posted anything here, buuuuut i present to y'all "midway!" this story started off for me at the very beginning of this year as a spotify playlist i slowly constructed with songs that shaped a little story in my head, but then one night i finally decided to write out the opening scene to this and just kinda ran with it !!  
> i've always been really intrigued by tales where jeremy has to figure himself out internally and kinda grow n learn from his mistakes (i.e. be more chill the og lmao) so i'm really excited to get this out here and explore more dynamics !!! i hope y'all enjoy ♡♡♡

It’s the summer before the boys go off to college, and during those final months, Jeremy sorts through a lot of feelings.

He notices that when he laughs with Michael, trekking through woods a few miles out toward a picturesque cliffside (one they discovered as kids and have visited since almost every summer), it makes him feel lighter nowadays. Michael’s toothy smile seems brighter against the sunset, and always wraps Jeremy up in a warm, cozy embrace against the chilly New Jersey breeze that whips against his skin. He feels safe with his friend’s unapologetic grin; calm, collected, and nothing short of blissfully feeling himself. The pesky voices in his head are cancelled out by loud vine reenactments and obnoxious video game & television references as they enjoy the view.

Nothing is out of the ordinary, yet everything strangely seems extraordinary.

Jeremy takes a proper moment to soak up his best friend one day while they’re visiting each other’s towns on Animal Crossing Wild World, legs folded atop Jeremy’s heavy duvet cover he still had yet to put away. Michael has a grin wide enough to wrap itself around the world plastered on his face, because he is _so_ proud of the fact that he has finally explored enough foreign towns to take home every type of fruit the game has to offer. He’s so pleased, electrified, and full of glee, gushing the benefits of his achievement, and Jeremy just can’t stop _looking_ and _listening_ and drinking _up_ all that his friend projects. Michael bubbles up a giddy fit of laughter, and it’s intoxicating, it fills Jeremy with an abrupt, light  & fuzzy feeling that glows in his stomach before bursting throughout his body, reaching the lengths of his arms and legs and tickling at his fingers and toes, and all he can hear past snickers and cheers is the sound of his booming & invigorating heart beat. It’s an amazing and terrifying feeling that leaves him ignorantly craving for more.

It’s not until they’re sitting on the roof of a seven eleven at two am, all the blinding neon lights shut off to leave a few gentle stars with the task of lighting up the vicinity along with their mother moon, that it strikes him. It’s when Michael snorts at the way Jeremy’s wrinkled his nose from getting ice cream on it, and the sound paired with that smile is so bright and loud yet genuine and warm, and Jeremy just calmly, instinctively thinks the words, _god_ _, I’m so in love with him._

He gasps and covers his mouth, even though he thought it all, no words were spoken. Michael reaches out to carefully touch his arm, eyes filling with concern at the panicked movement, “Jer, you good...? What’s going on?”

Then all at once, Jeremy feels every wave of electricity, ever fiery sensation that now pumps his blood, courses through his veins, powers his every move, and it’s shocking and intense and he (very slowly and carefully) pulls away from Michael’s touch before his blood vessels pop and his heart explodes. But god, _oh god,_ he is so in love, and he suddenly wants those fingers again, wants the touch, wants Michael to not stop at his arms. He wants those warm, soft hands on his torso, and for those careful fingers to trace his stomach, his nipples, his collar bones. He wants to see Michael’s forearms flex when he grips his hips, and oh god, yeah, he wants Michael. _Oh man, oh no._

_-_

There’s a moment where they’re outside, and it’s summery and dry and a bit too windy for Jeremy’s liking. He looks over at Michael, parting his lips to mention how his online friend, Thyme69, said the weather in Ireland was completely different from theirs in the states, but then Jeremy quietly stares instead. He doesn’t say a word, just peers at his best friend casually licking his own lips to combat the drying wind, and the brunet gracelessly _shivers_. Michael catches him in the act, causing Jeremy to look away and cough as inconspicuously as possible in hopes he hadn’t noticed. But he certainly did, and Michael’s now drawing absolute blanks on how to proceed.

It feels like he should ask, question Jeremy as to what just happened, but the silence between them is suddenly way too loud. It’s almost deafening, and Michael doesn’t know if he’d be able to speak over it, doesn’t think he could cut the newfound tension if he tried. He’s simply left to wonder if this was something that’s always been here with Jeremy and he’s only just now noticing.

He ultimately decides it’s best to not read too much into it. Michael sympathetically passes a heaping spoonful of mint chocolate-chip ice cream for Jeremy to take (a silent promise for the pair to not dwell and instead look at the brighter things) and his longing best friend accepts and greatly appreciates it, sealing the oath.

Except it doesn’t stop, unspoken resolves tearing at the seams as it happens two more times. It’s Jeremy casually analyzing Michael's dimples with utmost interest while he’s going off about a new article on lemon sharks that came out yesterday. Michael reluctantly has to pause his excited ramble midway to ask if there’s something on his face, and Jeremy is painfully awkward about the entire situation but manages to barely save himself. Then the cycle repeats, but with Michael lifting boxes to help reorganize their high school’s auditorium during the grand summer cleanout the theatre department does each year. The man’s arms are a bit more... Defined than Jeremy remembers. It’s nothing terribly surprising, as he’s been helping his mother out this past year at her company’s warehouse. Moving heavy props and set pieces is a breeze for Michael, and god, if this was survival of the fittest or fastest or most witty, Jeremy would lose in a heartbeat, because Michael catches him again and all of his tactlessness. Jeremy’s just gaping, wide eyed, and finally after a brief pause tears his eyes away, indignantly cursing himself for the hundredth time this summer. He ignores the way Michael stares on, confused and concerned, and he runs off to the costume closet to recollect himself. There he bumps into Brooke who is pulling a pair of old khakis that have seen better days from one of the racks to donate.

“Jeremy?” She says curiously, holding the dusty pants to her chest, and her voice is music to Jeremy’s ears. Brooke has always had a knack for soothingly talking him through things, and he thinks this particular topic might be long overdue. “What’s up, did you need something?” she inquires as she folds the khakis and neatly places them into her basket full of other discarded costume pieces. Jeremy opens his mouth to speak, but then hears Michael’s voice outside the closet door call out to Jake, and he instinctively dives for a rack, hiding amongst the worn hanging clothes.

Brooke laughs a little, and it’s sweet but you can tell there’s concern in her voice as she slowly peels a witch’s cloak off of Jeremy’s head, “Oh my god, Jer, what’s going on?” Jeremy looks at her and his face flushes, bringing his hands to his face and groaning a bit dramatically. “Brooooke, please save me.”

She giggles and gently pulls him from his hideaway, dusting him off and crossing her arms, “Alright mister, what’s the issue? I need to bring this basket up to Chlo in ten minutes so if you want we could talk after?” Jeremy makes a face of severe uncertainty and she frowns a bit in understanding, sitting him down on a nearby stool and pulling her own out from behind it to plop down on. “Okay, it’s a _now_ kinda sitch. What’s up?”

He sighs and holds his head in his hands for a moment, some fingers idly twirling around his short curls. Brooke is almost convinced after thirty seconds of silence that he might not speak, but she’s done this with him too many times to give up hope just yet. Sure enough the brunet follows through moments later with a soft, “I don’t know what to do with some weird feelings, and I don’t know if I want to admit them to you right now since you _know_ who they are, and that feels weird, but it’s just-“

Brooke reaches over from her spot across him and places a sympathetic hand on his shoulder, offering a kind smile. “Hey, you don’t have to tell me about it right now or at all, that’s okay… Although it’s a _love_ kind of feeling you’re talking about, right?” she says almost fondly, and Jeremy flinches at the word love which just confirms everything right there.

“Oh god, I don’t know, I— I guess? Shit, I’ve just been ignoring it this whole month and I think it's all piling up, and I’m not sure I want to act on it or anything yet, or at all, but just the emotions themselves are kind of...”

“Overwhelming?” Brooke supplies, softly rubbing his shoulder with her thumb before pulling her hand away.

“Yeah. That.” Jeremy finishes and takes a deep breath, finding some nerves have freed up simply from talking about it aloud.

“I’ve been in the spot you’re in before, and it can be really scary. For now, drink some water and focus on cleaning this auditorium with all of us today, and even if whoever you’re talking about is here right now, just keep focus on the task at hand. Afterwards though? I think you might want to either find someone you’re comfortable enough opening up to about it, or you could start to write it out? That always helps me.”

Jeremy lets out a great sigh, running his hands through his hair before giving his friend a small smile. “God… Okay, okay cool. Write it out… Got it.” He stands up, weakly ignoring his heart skipping a beat at Michael’s booming laughter outside the door, and somehow Brooke just _knows_ , and her fond smile becomes empathetic.

“Thanks, Brooke. Really, you always know just what to say.” Jeremy admits with a great sigh, turning to the torn witch cloak he had hid behind minutes before and confidently plucking it off the hanger. “This one can definitely go, Rich put so many holes in it during spring show.”

Brooke chuckles, gratefully accepting it and folding it as Jeremy turned fully toward her to inquire one final thing before he leaves, “How are you and Chris, by the way? Everything go alright last Friday?”

A soft pink graces his friend’s cheeks and she promptly ushers Jeremy out of the closet. “Great, great, good. Set pieces are calling your name, Heere!”

He laughs softly, relaxing for the first time since he got there and settling into thought as he made his way across the stage to the other side. Thankfully Michael was nowhere in sight.

_Another person to talk to about it? Where would I find that…?_

His eyes scan the auditorium, and land on Jake and Jenna arguing about what sword props to throw away. Jeremy loves his friends to death but, he just couldn’t quite settle on the idea of talking to them about his own best friend who was a part of their friend group. He needed the disconnect. He then overhears Jenna say, “whatever, I need to go home early to pack for orientation week, so just please at the very least throw away the rusty ones? Christine’s request, not mine, by the way.” She runs off to grab her bag, and it all clicks into place in Jeremy’s mind.

College orientation week! His was scheduled for that week as well, albeit a day later, and would be the perfect excuse for clearing his head for at least a few days.

The next morning Michael helps him pack so they can fit in a quick gaming session before Jeremy gets sent off for the week. It ends up being much more painless than Jeremy had anticipated, and then the next day he’s off to Michigan.

  
Jeremy stops talking to Michael for a week. They still text and call, but not having to see Michael and soak up his smile and laugh and touch every god damn time is a nice break. He makes a friend named Joseph at his orientation, and they end up spending some pretty great nights getting to know each other. They have a fair amount in common and find they enjoy each other’s company above their other future colleagues there, and that’s enough to stick together.

Joseph opens up on the third night about his boyfriend that he admittedly picked this specific college to be with before getting dumped at the last second because the other was “afraid of commitment.” He couldn’t switch universities after the fact because it was already too late, so Joseph decided to make the most of it and enjoy his newfound life on his own terms.

Jeremy opened up about Michael, and my god, it felt like breathing, standing, and running for the first time in forever. He said the simple phrase, “I’m in love with my best friend,” for the first time _aloud_ , and confessed many more newly realized feelings he held for his partner in crime. It felt liberating, to get all these pent up emotions and concerns out of his system, but he noticed Joseph’s eyes were only filling with worry. “You... Haven’t told him though, right?”

Jeremy nods, sighing in defeat and looking down at the grass they’re sitting on. He begin to idly pick at it, saying very quietly, “I don’t even know if he feels the same, or if this is a good idea, but part of me just really wants to tell him, y’know?” He laughs, picking faster and rambling further, “I mean I’m absolutely terrified, of course, but god, I just want him to know sometimes, and man, I really want to hold him, and maybe kiss him, and—’ and then he's looking up at Joseph who has a sad, still concerned look on his face. Jeremy’s ramble fades to silence and his smile falters. He just stares, whispering a soft  _“what?”_

Joseph looks up into the moonlight. It’ll be a full moon eventually, probably by the end of the month, but for now it’s a waxing crescent. He takes a moment of silence, biting his lip and pondering how he should put his words before saying firmly, “you really shouldn’t.”

Jeremy feels part of his heart break off and land onto the dirt beneath them. He wasn’t certain he’d ever tell Michael, of course he was afraid and doubted himself, but now knowing he shouldn’t? That hurt. 

“Y-you, what...? No, I, why does—“ and before Jeremy can finish, Joseph is placing a firm hand on his shoulder and looking into his eyes seriously. It shocks the other right into place.

“You’re going to different universities, right?”

“Yeah, but it’s only a three hour drive, two and a half if you go on weekends and avoid weekday traffi-“

“You’re going to different _universities,_ dude. Look, I’m not trying to be a jerk to you and your friend here, but I really don’t think it’s a good idea. He’s about to start a whole new life at his college, meet new people, figure himself out, and you the same. I just... I've seen it before, and rarely does it _actually_ work out.”

Jeremy just stares. It’s silent, for a minute, save for the distant concert put on by some local student bands, and the crickets chirping in the nearby bushes. Jeremy let’s go of all the torn grass pieces he’s bunched up in his hands, eyes tearing up a bit as he looks away from his new friend in embarrassment and annoyance.

“So then _what?_ What am I supposed to do with these feelings?”

Joseph is quiet for a moment while he collects his thoughts, then gulps and sighs, “Just let them pass. Don’t act upon them and they’ll subside eventually.”

More hot tears cascade across Jeremy’s fragile cheekbones, and he stands, still looking away as he stays as put-together as possible, “I-I think I’m gonna turn in early. This, this is a lot... and, fuck, I think I really _do_ love him, Joseph…” He steps away, looking up at the sky in a sudden, mild panic,  “Fuck, _fuck!_ ” Jeremy shouts, then cards his fingers nervously through his hair, and he’s grateful that it is just he and his friend in this courtyard. He sighs from pure frustration, tugging on the ends of his hair a bit before letting go and viciously shoving his hands into his jacket pockets. ‘I don’t know h-how to feel about this.... This is so much worse than Christine..."

Joseph opens and closes his mouth a couple of times as he contemplates his next move as wisely as possible. After a few moments he eventually stands, walking over to his Jeremy's hunched over figure and placing a hand on his back to comfort him. He then proceeds to speak softly and carefully so as to not further spook his friend, “The campus event tonight has ice cream, you wanna go get a bowl and maybe watch that super fucking cool episode of _Iron Fist_ you were talking about back at my dorm?”

Jeremy looks down, and it does sound nice, but all that’s screaming in his head is Michael. It’s loud and painful, to know he can’t feel this way anymore. The brunet takes a breath, his lips pursed into a thin line as he nods and quickly removes a curled fist from his pocket to wipe away the remaining tears, fixing his loose curls that began to cover his eyes.

“... Yeah, sure.”

 

 -

 

The rest of Jeremy’s orientation went by quickly, and Joseph kept his new friend’s mind hyper focused on all the wonderful things they got a sneak peak of at their university. When Jeremy returned to his dorm each of the remaining three nights to two new missed calls and four unread texts from his best friend, he didn’t call back, didn’t even open the messages to see what they said. It was probably foolish on his part, especially if Michael needed him. He wanted more than anything to talk to him, to hear his voice and see him after this trip. But his heart ached and he did what he and Joseph thought was best for their thirteen years of friendship.

  
Fast forward to Jeremy pulling into his driveway after a long drive back to home, he rolls up to see Michael knocking at the front door, looking pretty worried. The guilt of ignoring him these past few days catches back up to him in an instant, pooling rapidly in his stomach and making him feel nauseated. Jeremy slowly unbuckles his seatbelt, wincing when Michael turns around and notices Jeremy’s car, the engine just turned off and still hissing softly. They lock eyes through the window, and all Jeremy can offer is a pathetic, small wave and a weak smile. He hopes Michael will run over, face now graced with a toothy grin that’ll say everything is okay. He hopes he can just wiggle right out of the clutches of his mistakes. But instead, he gets a hurried, worried, and… upset Michael. _Fuck_. Michael _never_ gets this upset unless he’s really messed things up between them. 

Jeremy slowly opens the car door, and Michael gladly helps him by grabbing the outdoor handle and pulling it wide open. The driver braces himself for a bombarding of questions and fiery. But then he’s met with a pair of warm, strong arms enveloping him, instantly making him feel safe. His head is stuffed into a soft neck, and the smell of sweat and cinnamon takes over his senses. Although he had already pulled up to his own house, he only just felt like he was finally home.

“Oh my _god_ , you’re okay.” Michael said softly, his voice just barely above a whisper.

“ _Fuck,_ ” Jeremy exhaled, because god he was so fucked. Michael pulled away and immediately locked eyes, concerned brown piercing fearful blue, and then a thumb is delicately tracing his cheekbone and yeah, Jeremy was done for. There was no running away from his feelings for this man.

“I know you were busy with orientation and what not, but usually you’d respond at least once within three days or something y’know? Are you okay?” Michael was clearly worried more than anything else. He was tracing Jeremy’s fragile, pale jawline as if he was made of porcelain and would shatter in an instant, and the brunet honestly thought he just might.

“I-I, you, I just… busy,” was all he could pathetically manage out, because he was honestly too busy being enamored by this moment. He felt horrible for leaving his best friend hanging, but even guiltier that he didn’t want this intimate interaction to end.

Michael’s hand fell from Jeremy’s face, now resting loosely at his side. He stepped back a little, creating a significant amount of space between them again.

“You… were busy.” Michael stated blandly, unconvinced. He stared back at Jeremy, his expression quickly shifting from concerned to suspicious. “Jeremy, I know you and your phone. It’s practically glued to your hand, man. You gotta have a better excuse than that.”

The brunet fidgeted uncomfortably in his seat as he tried to conjure up a better reason, but knew further lying about it would only prolong the inevitable. “I just… had a lot of things on my mind this week, and-” he quickly waved his hand in front Michael, boldly hopping out of the car in front of his friend and causing him to step back. Jeremy avoided eye contact all the while, “before you ask, no, it’s not _him_ or anything, I just… I think I’m a bit spooked by this whole ‘college’ thing.”

He wasn’t necessarily lying, he assured himself. He really did have a lot on his mind, and attending different universities was one of the bigger obstacles between he and the man in front of him. Michael’s expression softened, much to Jeremy’s relief, and he stepped aside so he could walk ahead. “Sorry I kind of just showed up here but, do you want to go inside and talk about it? I mean I know things can take you a while to digest but…” he trailed off, clearly just nervous about the situation. Michael knew Jeremy better than anyone else, and knew when there was more to be said that would require patience.

Jeremy knew exactly what his friend was probably thinking, too, and worried his lip as he cautiously walked to the back of his car to buy more time. He opened the trunk and leaned in, going to grab his duffel bag before taking a moment to think, torso half inside the car and him completely out of Michael’s sight.

 _Do I tell him?_ He boldly asked himself, anxious and uncertain. His heart was pounding at the speed of light, and Joseph’s wary advice rang throughout his mind on repeat. Eventually, it won and drowned out the romantic thoughts he’d been indulging in for so long. Jeremy took a shaky breath, pulling the bag out and carefully closing the trunk.

“I’m... I’m good… Really.” is all he said, stepping over to look at Michael with a soft smile.

Michael didn’t say a single word after that, his brunet friend walking right on ahead of him. He stopped at the door, setting down his bag and shuffling around with the keys before noticing the lack of Michael beside him. Jeremy turned around to see his friend still standing rather sadly by his hatchback. He grit his teeth again, and Jeremy honestly couldn’t tell if the summer heat was getting to him or if this was truly that overwhelming, but he decided in that moment it was time to get over it. He couldn’t keeping running, right?

“Well don’t just stand there, dummy. The sun will fry you. Come on,” he said as calm and collected as possible, drowning out the sounds of his pounding heart and stepping inside, “unless you finally concede that my water Pokémon team on Emerald is unbeatable.”

Jeremy tried to ignore his heart woefully cracking when an unusually quiet Michael eventually followed and even purposefully kept his distance from him. Within a matter of minutes he was back to grinning and shoving Jeremy playfully, but there was still a nauseating air of hesitation and uncertainty between them.

  
_This is what’s for the best,_ Jeremy forcefully reminded himself.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for stopping by & taking the time to read my work, it means so much to me!!! i don't intend to make this an incredibly long story, probably five chapters max, but we'll see how it goes!!! ♡ this whole story's theme is 'midway' by bad bad hats, which i highly recommend you giving a listen to bc,,, i love bbh so much lmao but also it may give you some insight to jeremy's mind ! also i'll probs add more characters as time progress, but for now whats in the description is what's currently been presented ☆  
> i wanna give a quick special big big thanks to parsley (parsleytastesgoodaf @ tumblr) for staying up late w me on nights and discussing this story w me as well as giving me pointers & advice, you're such a huge super star n i love you so gosh darn much! i wouldn't have had the courage to post this nor properly go through w writing it all if it wasn't for your encouragement. you're the true rock star!!! (i called u two star compliments bc ur just,,, ur all the good stars ok ily shine on ☆)
> 
> ( also y'all can pry playride from my cold dead hands )


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